


The Truth is Unbearable (And Imminent)

by muzzleofbees



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Purgatory, fic prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-11
Updated: 2013-08-11
Packaged: 2017-12-23 04:51:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/922195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/muzzleofbees/pseuds/muzzleofbees
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>destiel prompt: Purgatory!verse Castiel is by the waters edge and hears Dean’s prayers on loop. Some were short, most went on like a stream of conscious, but each ended in “I love you please Cas”. After Dean finds him they decide to make camp. Benny takes first watch Just out of ear shot Dean takes the opportunity to tell Cas about his feelings he didn’t know he had. Cas listens respectfully but he hasn’t said much of anything after he was found. Can one simple kiss change that?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Truth is Unbearable (And Imminent)

Castiel followed the water, keeping it on his right while he kept Dean on his left, using Dean’s prayers and the flowing stream to orient himself in the gray land. They were the only constants he found in Purgatory. He didn’t know what he would do when the water stopped. He didn’t know what he would do when the prayers stopped. But neither ceased. That water flowed from its unknowable source to its inevitable destination, and Dean’s desperate pleas flowed onward, too.

The water tasted bitter. It sometimes burned his skin. It never quenched his thirst. Other creatures came down to its banks--vampires and demons and werewolves and shifters. They left Castiel alone, marking him with knowing eyes before scampering back to the shadows. The Leviathans found him, too, but they didn’t mark him. They attacked and if he would just stop fighting, they would end him and he wouldn’t have to worry about putting Dean in danger. But he fought. He fought and he fought with no choice. He won, but he didn’t know how, and he survived. Lived to see another endless day. Lived to hear another desperate prayer. 

Why did Dean have to pray to him? The prayers tasted as bitter as the water. Why couldn’t Dean just stop and give them both a reprieve? Castiel prayed as well, though to what--to who--he couldn’t say. He prayed Dean’s voice would never stop. He didn’t know what he would do if it did. Didn’t know how he’d adjust to that reality when Dean was his only reality. The only one that ever mattered to him. 

Castiel spent so much time fearing Dean’s silence that he got lazy. He slowed and that was how Dean caught up to him. Cas’s heart fell all the way to his feet when he saw Dean, at the same moment his spirit soared into the heavens, unshackled by fear and full of sweet relief. He saw Dean’s happiness and he wanted to respond in kind, but the sick feeling wouldn’t leave him. He was a dead man and if Dean didn’t leave him, he would be as well. 

He couldn’t escape. Not a second time. He saw at once that it would do no good. Dean would only hunt him down again. Purgatory was honest. Pure. Every creature knew Castiel was an angel. Every creature knew Dean was a hunter. No more. No less. Cas had been his quarry, and the destruction he wrought through the realm was already legendary. Cas wouldn’t run again. 

Dean kept sending him curious glances, wouldn’t let Cas wander very far away. He liked the angel to stay within touching distance, and Cas was, as always, helpless in the face of Dean’s unstated desires. The vampire did most of the talking, perhaps unaware of the currents in their shared silence. He kept up an easy chatter, his dry humor making itself known at unexpected times. Cas understood why Dean found himself in the unlikely alliance, but it was clear that the vampire didn’t quite know what to make of the angel. Castiel had no idea desire to clarify matters for him. 

They fell into a routine as they made their way through the hostile land. They rested at regular intervals, setting up a modest camp and taking turns on the watch. Dean didn’t need to eat, a fact which caused Cas a distinct sense of discomfort. He didn’t need to eat because he was technically dead. Did he realize that? He must have, on some level, but he continued on like so many ghosts he laid to rest over the years. Once they were settled down, Cas usually wandered towards the river--which they still kept to their right as they traveled. He liked the water. It was the one thing in Purgatory that changed. Or at least, held the potential of change. Dean usually let him go by himself, as long as he didn’t stay away too long, but this night he fell in step behind Cas. 

Castiel ignored him until they were at the water’s edge. 

The prayers hadn’t stopped, even though Dean now kept him in sight pretty much constantly. His head was filled with the sound of Dean’s voice at that very moment, though his mouth wasn’t moving, and Cas tried so very hard to close his ears and his heart off. 

“I was thinking we could talk.” 

Cas took a deep breath and continued to stare at the water breaking over the smooth, rounded stones. 

“Or I guess I could talk and you could listen. Getting a little tired of the silent treatment.” 

The silent treatment. LIke there were words Cas could use. Like there were any sounds he could string into sentences that would make Dean understand. Did Dean want him to articulate the sensation of being completely empty? Did Dean wish him to describe the sensation of living when he knew he should be dying? Did he want him to utter the names of emotions he had no business possessing, much less sharing? Was he supposed to express gratitude for being found when he wanted to be lost forever? 

“You really think I’m going to let you get away from me again?” 

“Not trying to run away, Dean. You know that.” 

“Yeah, I guess if you were, you’d already be gone.” 

Cas risked a look at Dean’s face and wish he hadn’t. Dean was looking at him with the full force of his hopes. With the full weight of the love he hadn’t uttered but wouldn’t stop announcing. He was already imagining a life once they escaped Purgatory. But Castiel understood the truth--he was already dead, too. After everything he’d done, after all of his crimes, after his madness and hubris, he was where he belonged. The land God built for the very worst of his creations. Cas had no other place to be. Nowhere else he belonged. 

Except, that wasn’t entirely true.

Dean stood at his side, his toes over the edge of the bank, his hands in his pockets. Cas was never happier than when he was quiet with Dean. Every terrible decision he’d made in the past years had only been in service of one goal, and there they were. Side by side. Quiet together and resting. But on the edge of Castiel’s senses were the monsters he’d brought into Dean’s world. The monsters who still longed to destroy and consume Dean, using Castiel as a homing beacon to the fragile human who had no business in this land. 

“You know what’ll happen if you leave.” 

“I know, Dean.” 

“But I can’t stop you. If you don’t want to be here.” I won’t stop you if you don’t want me. That’s what Dean meant, and Cas didn’t need to be able to read his mind to understand the true meaning behind his words. “I love you.” 

How much did it cost Dean to say the words aloud? It was unnecessary. He didn’t need to say a word, and he knew it, but he said it anyway. And Cas did not have it within him to push those feelings away. He’d hurt Dean in so many countless ways that an eternity in Purgatory wouldn’t even begin to make up for that sin. He wasn’t going to add to his crimes by denying the love of the Righteous Man. 

Cas cupped Dean’s cheek, stroking over his rough stubble with his thumb. Dean didn’t pull away from the tender touch, just watched Cas with careful eyes. He reminded Castiel of a wounded animal, willing to submit for a moment, but prepared to flee if necessary. He still didn’t know what to say. Human words were so imperfect, so small and pointless and inelegant. So imprecise. He wished he could speak to Dean in Enochian. 

He’d kissed two other humans before, but they were both women, and those caresses didn’t carry the same importance. Their lips had been soft and inviting, their skin smooth and sweet smelling. Dean’s mouth was as rough as his life, and he held himself back slightly, like he wasn’t sure if he was under attack. Cas cupped his face with both hands, his tongue pushing for entrance, and then slipping past between his lips. Dean gasped, perhaps startled by the invasion, but he didn’t resist. He softened slightly, welcoming Cas, allowing him to deepen the kiss. 

Cas kept it slow, tentative and sweet, coaxing a response from Dean rather than demanding it. I love you so much, he said. I need you every second, he added. I’ll never give up on you. I never want to leave you. You are the only thing that matters to me. He used his lips and his tongue to offer the supplication, and tasted salt from tears that may have been his. They sealed the vow Cas made and when he lifted his head, he could see the message was received. Dean looked at him with wonder, with surprise, with the love he wasn’t ashamed to show. 

What had he ever done to deserve that? 

“It’s all I have, Dean,” Castiel said helplessly. 

“It’s more than anybody’s ever given me.” 

Cas found the energy to smile for the first time since their arrival in Purgatory. It wasn’t much of one, but it summoned an answering smile from Dean. He could never return home, but he felt the grace of heaven with that gesture.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Great Lake Swimmers song "Moving Pictures Silent Films"


End file.
